I've been lost in love before. It's a sure sign that all the guys I dated before Jonathan weren't right for me because I changed for those relationships. I became someone I wasn't and in the end, the real me would eventually come out and that's usually when the relationship cracked and fizzled.
In my first serious relationship (also my first in college), I dated the boy whom, when given the chance, would always choose hanging out with his fraternity brothers over spending time with me, his girlfriend. Out of my need to be with him (oh god, the need), I would tag along and endure the crass comments and crude behavior and wonder why my boyfriend never bothered to stick up for me. Our relationship was over way before it was really over. I lost my respect for him when he became a whipping boy and in turn, allowed me to become a whipping girl. I could tell you stories you wouldn't believe, stories that I can't even believe now when I look back on it through the clear lens of hindsight, but it still makes me sad at just how lost I really was. Part of my freshman year and all of my sophomore year, I spent loving a boy who had stopped loving me long before I stopped loving him.
I'm ashamed by how much I thought I needed him and how dependent I was on him, but I am proud of how my spirit did eventually come through. I am my mother's daughter and disrespect will eventually make me a force to reckon with and I will stand up, alone if I have to. He broke up with me when I was visiting him in Colorado over the summer. You know it's bad when even his mother and father apologized to me. And so it was over and I was heartbroken, so depressed that I still remember my mother's words to me when my parent's dropped me off at school for my junior year; "Try not to be so depressed, Katie."
I did eventually move on and kissed many boys that year and enjoyed every single second of being a single girl. And then I lost myself all over again my senior year. I started dating the typical Richmond guy: wealthy and arrogant. I felt the need to wear only Ralph Lauren and Tiffany's and tried to cover up my middle class roots. I hate to even admit this, but in reality, he bought my love with weekly flower bouquets and little blue boxes. In fact, I'm even more ashamed by this relationship because I was willing to overlook things as long as I was still being showered with gifts.
We stayed together after graduation and through his first semester of law school and my first entry into the real workforce. Our relationship was neglected and I had enough when he thought a once a week phone call was sufficient time to give to me in light of his law school studies. Thus, it was over and I moved out of my parent's house to live with my girlfriends as a single girl once again.
What a blessing that turned out to be. I met Jonathan within the first month that I moved to Virginia. Not once have I ever felt the need to be anyone but myself with him. Though I am ashamed of how I acted in my past relationships, I don't regret them because they taught me so much about myself and they make me appreciate Jonathan even more. He helped me to realize that I deserve to receive in return just as much as I'm giving. He's the first guy to put our relationship first and to really show me what love in a relationship is supposed to be.
He's the guy who swept me off my feet the first night I met him and the guy who taught me how to burp and still says "Nice one!" when I let out a shockingly big one. He's the guy who won't accept anything but the real me because that is who he fell in love with, who he got down on one knee for and who he married. I am authentic, he is authentic and together, our love is authentic. We truly bring out the best in one another. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. And I'm definitely not lost anymore.
