To the woman who insists on hovering near my machine while I'm in the midst of a set:
The more you ask me how many I have left, the more I'll add onto my set. Back off!!
To the creepy man who stares at me while I'm lifting:
Dude, there's a mirror. I can see you!!
To the god-awful stinky man who has a knack for finding the machine right next to mine every. single. time.:
I don't know what you eat, but you have the foulest smelling sweat that my nose has ever encountered. And I've been in a football locker room!
To the woman who wears a fluorescent thong unitard over equally fluorescent spandex bike shorts:
Jane Fonda called; she wants her outfit back.
To the pregnant woman who looks to be about five months along:
You are awesome and an inspiration. P.S. You look great! (See, I'm not always snarky!)
To the wee man with the grotesquely huge muscles:
What are you trying to compensate for, huh?
To the woman who reserves a machine by throwing her water bottle on it, then disappears:
I won't hesitate to move your water if you're not back in five minutes and there's not another machine open. Tough cookies, lady; you can't reserve machines!
To the trainer who measures my body fat at 16%, says that's kind of high and then tells me, "Hey, you look good though!":
Hey douchebag, I googled it when I got home and 16% body fat for a woman puts me in the athletic (i.e. LOWEST) range! Dumb ass.
To 99% of the people working out:
There's a reason why there are antibacterial wipe stations everywhere--you're supposed to wipe down the machine after you're done!! Novel idea, eh?
To my iTunes:
I hate you for erasing my workout playlist. That is all.
I'm just a ray of sunshine at the gym, aren't I?