Thank you again to everyone for the compassionate words and comfort you have sent our way. You all have truly touched my heart and I am grateful for everyone's prayers and well-wishes. A special thank you to LFCA, Stirrup Queens and The Church of Holy Innocents (and to those who pointed me to these sites) for being such wonderful online sanctuaries. I'm still working on responding to the comments and e-mails, so please bear with me as I catch up.
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Physically speaking, the procedure went very well on Friday. There were no complications and my recovery has been relatively smooth thus far. I was in quite a bit of pain on Friday night, but to be honest, it was more bloating and gas pain than actual uterine cramping. This experience has made me feel very reassured in my decision to switch from my old OB-GYN in Virginia to the new practice and hospital in Annapolis. Everyone I had contact with was extremely sensitive, kind and sympathetic towards us and in fact, the last memory I have before going under was of my nurse warmly squeezing my hand in comfort.
I don't like to cry in front of strangers and didn't do so until I came around after the procedure. I had expected this, as I have a history of being very emotional after anesthesia, but it was truly a devastating moment as I came to the realization that I was officially no longer pregnant. I remember being asked if I was crying because I was in pain but I couldn't find the words to explain that it was an emotional hurt and not a physical one. The anesthesiologist spoke up for me and said, "She's sad." It was a very simple and true summation. I asked for Jon, and though they usually don't let visitors back in the immediate recovery room, they allowed him to stay with me since I was so distraught.
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Ritual and tribute (and eventually closure) are important to me. Jon and I lit candles at church yesterday for our baby and I've put together a memory box of all the mementos we have from the past three months. For now, the few pieces of maternity clothes that I had purchased are packed away until I need them again. I've been trying to cancel all of my pregnancy website memberships in an effort to stop receiving the weekly updates that now serve as painful reminders of where we would have been. I put in my 4 weeks notice to my supervisor last Thursday in a conversation that suddenly didn't seem quite so difficult to have in light of everything else. She was surprised, yet supportive, and I am relieved to have that pressure and anxiety gone.
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I'm not sure how much more writing publicly I'll do about this. My story is out there and we're still grieving, but I don't want this blog to turn into a somber space. I've always been the type of person who believes that things happen for a reason and the way they're meant to be. It's brought me great comfort knowing that there is another chapter to our story that's just waiting to unfold and that happier things await us. Jon and I have sadly accepted that this wasn't our time, but have counted ourselves extremely fortunate for the incredible way our families and close friends have rallied around us. The silver lining to this gray cloud is that we know we can get pregnant and that gives us all the hope we need to one day try again. For now, we'll continue to stay as busy as we always are and look forward to good things to come.
