La Petite Chic

Tidbits

Has anyone else noticed how dark it is in the mornings lately?  Every year I seem to forget that the days quickly get shorter as soon as September is on the horizon, but this morning positively felt like an autumn day.  The air was cool (finally!) and at 6:15 AM, the sun wasn't even up yet.  It's always strange starting your day off in darkness.  Perhaps it's time to start looking for my box of fall and winter clothes that is currently residing somewhere in my parent's basement! 

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Today should have been my birthday.  My mom was due with me on August 31st, but didn't have me until 21 days later!  Can you imagine going three weeks past your due date, in still-hot September no less?  She is my hero!  My birthday ended up being on the last day of summer and I think it's perfect timing because it's the bridge between my two favorite seasons. 

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Speaking of birthdays, tomorrow kicks off what has effectively turned into a month long celebration for me and Jonathan.  As I mentioned, we have our anniversary on September 1st.  Then it's my birthday on the 21st and to wrap it all up, it's Jonathan's birthday on October 2nd.  It's a very expensive and busy month for us, but also a very fun one.  I think going forward I might just start planning a big Oktoberfest celebration for the weekend between our two birthdays.  That way we can celebrate our birthdays together and also honor our mutual German heritage at the same time! 

Also, I should mention how scrumptious our anniversary cake was.  It looked just like our cake topper, except this one said Happy 3rd Anniversary, of course.  The taste was just as we remembered, better actually because we were too excited to eat very much on our wedding day!  I'm going to order one for us every year because it was such a delicious and inexpensive way to remember our day.  The best part is that we still have some left so I can't wait to go home and have a piece for dessert tonight.

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We went to look at my dream home on Saturday.  We don't have a realtor just yet so we couldn't go inside, but we did poke around the property and look through windows to get a better idea of the place.  Unfortunately, as is common in most older homes, the rooms are tiiiiiny.  Like, "how would we ever fit a couch in this room?" tiny.  Very disappointing because it's in such a great location, but when there are a lot of other homes on the market that are much bigger and just as nice, it kind of negates all of the other wonderful qualities of the house.  We spent the first few years of our marriage sharing all of 690 square feet, so we would like a wee bit more room to move around in this time around.  We have plenty of time to look around though, so we'll just continue the hunt.

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Yesterday's bridal shower was absolutely perfect!  I'll share photos, a recap and an awesome sangria recipe with you all on Wednesday, but for now I'll just say that it was so much fun to be Martha Stewart for the weekend.  FYI: Tomorrow's post will be full of hearts and love and other schmaltzy words, so consider this fair warning if that's not your thing. :)

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Finally, I'm very relieved that, for the most part, my last post wasn't misconstrued.  When you're (purposefully) vague, it's very easy for things to be taken the wrong way but I think most everyone understood the points I was honestly and delicately trying to make and that made me breathe a huge sigh of relief.  Some posts just make you nervous to hit the Publish button, you know?

Turning Corners

Having a blog can be a double-edged sword.  On one hand, it's a great way to keep far-away friends and families updated on your life and happenings and that reason is in fact why I started this blog.  My first readers were my family and friends and although I sometimes regret sharing my URL with all of them (because it's somewhat limiting in what I can talk about out of respect or privacy issues), the positives outweigh the negatives and I'm glad we can keep in touch this way. 

On the other hand, having a blog means that people you've intentionally kept out of your world for various reasons still have access to you and your personal life and that can be a bit unsettling.  Of course, that can happen by way of the good old fashioned grapevine as well, but when you're a blogger you really don't have much in the way of an argument when you say, "but I didn't want those people to know!". 

So, as you might have guessed, I've been having a bit of a struggle this week with the two points I raised above, and that, mixed with the dramatic shift in my hormones, has made me a joy to be around.  Believe me, my lack of writing is more from not wanting to write things I'll later regret and less about not having anything to write.  I've experienced extreme disappointment in the friends whom I know are regular readers of my blog, but have neglected to call or write to see how we're doing.  There's been resentment at those people we choose not to have in our lives whom have been let in on everything that's happened by others anyway. 

There's been anger towards people who make light of the swine flu because we know better than anyone that it's not something to joke about.  There was indignation towards a blog that I found in my referred page stats that has totally stolen my Bump Day format with not so much as a "Hey, I stole this idea from La Petite Chic."  (For the record, while doing a weekly belly bump update was far from original, the content was, and is, all mine.  Please don't plagiarize.)  There's still the overwhelming sadness that comes from losing our baby and then there's the guilt.  Don't even get me started on the guilt.  You can imagine how incredibly useful that is.

However!  That all being said, I think I turned a teeny tiny corner last night and this morning and am consciously making a decision to be joyful, because after all, there are a lot of things to be happy about and I shouldn't just dismiss all that happiness.

The main source of my joy is Jonathan and our marriage.  We have our 3rd anniversary to celebrate on Tuesday!  (Look, a happy exclamation point!  It's been a while since I used one of those.)  I ordered a mini replica of our incredible wedding cake which we'll pick up tomorrow and then we're going out to The Melting Pot for dinner on our actual anniversary.  When has cake and cheese ever failed to make me happy?

I'm also co-hosting a bridal shower for my fabulous cousin-in-law to be on Sunday and I seriously can't wait.  I'll share photos with you all next week because I'm so excited about everything we've put together for it, including the cocktail toothpicks.  You'll understand when you see them.

Lastly, I found my dream home.  We're probably still several months away from being able to purchase said dream home, but still...I've finally found what I've been looking for.  It's a renovated 1920's Craftsman style home in a very cute and well-established neighborhood.  It's walkable to a Baltimore Light Rail station (score for home Orioles and Ravens games!).  It has the original restored hardwood floors (they're gorgeous) and the front porch I've always dreamed of.  Seriously, it's not like those narrow and shallow porches they're putting on new homes nowadays...it has depth and width and I'm smitten. 

The only problem is that Jon and I have a bit of a difference of opinion when it comes to homes.  I love old, restored homes with character and he prefers newer homes that you won't have to worry about old pipes and wires.  Obviously someone is going to have to give, but I'm hoping that maybe I can convince him to go vintage.  Also, I should mention that two of my major requirements for a house is that the street name is nice and non-seasonal (no Snowy Ridge Way for me) and it should also be in a neighborhood that's conducive to good trick-or-treating.  I could probably bend on the street name, but I really have my heart set on a neighborhood that appreciates trick-or-treating (which means they probably also appreciate children and fun, right?).  This home meets both of those requirements, not to mention that the price is absolutely right.  Yes, I am fully aware of the ridiculousness but I'm a Virgo and can be quite particular.  Don't you just envy Jonathan?

Hope

Thank you again to everyone for the compassionate words and comfort you have sent our way.  You all have truly touched my heart and I am grateful for everyone's prayers and well-wishes.  A special thank you to LFCA, Stirrup Queens and The Church of Holy Innocents (and to those who pointed me to these sites) for being such wonderful online sanctuaries.  I'm still working on responding to the comments and e-mails, so please bear with me as I catch up.

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Physically speaking, the procedure went very well on Friday.  There were no complications and my recovery has been relatively smooth thus far.  I was in quite a bit of pain on Friday night, but to be honest, it was more bloating and gas pain than actual uterine cramping.  This experience has made me feel very reassured in my decision to switch from my old OB-GYN in Virginia to the new practice and hospital in Annapolis.  Everyone I had contact with was extremely sensitive, kind and sympathetic towards us and in fact, the last memory I have before going under was of my nurse warmly squeezing my hand in comfort. 

I don't like to cry in front of strangers and didn't do so until I came around after the procedure.  I had expected this, as I have a history of being very emotional after anesthesia, but it was truly a devastating moment as I came to the realization that I was officially no longer pregnant.  I remember being asked if I was crying because I was in pain but I couldn't find the words to explain that it was an emotional hurt and not a physical one.  The anesthesiologist spoke up for me and said, "She's sad."  It was a very simple and true summation.  I asked for Jon, and though they usually don't let visitors back in the immediate recovery room, they allowed him to stay with me since I was so distraught.

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Ritual and tribute (and eventually closure) are important to me.  Jon and I lit candles at church yesterday for our baby and I've put together a memory box of all the mementos we have from the past three months.   For now, the few pieces of maternity clothes that I had purchased are packed away until I need them again.  I've been trying to cancel all of my pregnancy website memberships in an effort to stop receiving the weekly updates that now serve as painful reminders of where we would have been.  I put in my 4 weeks notice to my supervisor last Thursday in a conversation that suddenly didn't seem quite so difficult to have in light of everything else.  She was surprised, yet supportive, and I am relieved to have that pressure and anxiety gone. 

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I'm not sure how much more writing publicly I'll do about this.  My story is out there and we're still grieving, but I don't want this blog to turn into a somber space.  I've always been the type of person who believes that things happen for a reason and the way they're meant to be.  It's brought me great comfort knowing that there is another chapter to our story that's just waiting to unfold and that happier things await us.  Jon and I have sadly accepted that this wasn't our time, but have counted ourselves extremely fortunate for the incredible way our families and close friends have rallied around us.  The silver lining to this gray cloud is that we know we can get pregnant and that gives us all the hope we need to one day try again.  For now, we'll continue to stay as busy as we always are and look forward to good things to come.

On Sharing Sorrow

I waffled back and forth about whether or not to close comments on my last post.  I ultimately decided to keep them open because I like to think of my blog as not only a record of my life, but also as an ongoing conversation between myself and you, the readers, and I didn't want to close that connection. 

I'm so glad I didn't.  I was floored (and still am) by the outpouring of love from all of you.  There were so many messages of comfort and compassion from those whom I already know, those whom I didn't know and those from people who have been there and share the sorrow of losing a pregnancy.

It's amazing how many of us are out there, isn't it?  As Laurie noted in her comment, "It's just not talked about by all us ladies as much as it actually happens."  How true that is.  Of course I turned to the internet yesterday to find other bloggers who have experienced a miscarriage, but there's not that much out there at all.  I did find a gem of a post over at Casey's blog that was just what I was looking for, but I was sorely disappointed by the overall lack of writing about and acknowledging miscarriage. 

When something terrible happens, it's human nature to want to commiserate and share the heartache, yet that doesn't seem to hold true in the world of pregnancy loss.  On the contrary, it's an extremely private matter.  My search did turn up several miscarriage forums, but those sites naturally tend to be a bit less intimate than a personal blog.

I can completely understand why there's not more out there, though.  I was so afraid that in telling my story that I would somehow trivialize it, or make our baby and our pregnancy just another example of me oversharing on the internet. It was my intent instead to honor the baby that I carried for exactly 12 weeks today and I do hope that I have achieved that.  Writing has always been the way that I deal with heartbreak and it's still proving to be very cathartic to me as I struggle to make sense of this and start the healing process.  My story is worth sharing if it helps just me or even one other person to get by.

A huge thank you and hug from the bottom of my heart (and Jon's as well) to all of you for being an outlet, a listening ear and a virtual shoulder to cry on.  I assure you, there have been a lot of tears these past few days, but many of them have been tears of gratitude and appreciation from reading all of your precious and heartfelt comments.  A special thank you to those who showed the strength to share your own story of grief with me.  It's so comforting to feel not quite as alone as I thought I was.

Loss

We were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time today.  I was at this appointment alone because Jon doesn't have any leave built up at his new job just yet.  I didn't mind at all as this was just supposed to be a routine exam and bloodwork.  As I was waiting in the exam room, I heard the telltale whooshing sound of a baby's heartbeat in the room next to mine.  It only made me more excited to hear ours.  After I had my pelvic exam, my doctor finally pulled out the doppler to listen to the heartbeat.  He searched and searched in vain for five minutes. 

He never found it.  I have to admit, I wasn't all that worried at this point.  I know from the pregnancy reading I've done that it's sometimes difficult to find a heartbeat at 11 weeks.  I joked that our baby was just being stubborn, but then admitted to my doctor that the fact that I had been feeling so good had me a little worried.  He said it wasn't unusual at all and called for the sonogram machine to find the heartbeat that way.   I thought to myself, "Awesome!  I'll get to see the baby again!"

I knew it was bad news as soon as I saw the image on the screen.  I was expecting to see little limbs and a profile, but our tiny baby was the exact same size as he/she was at our last appointment. Then I saw that the estimated due date on the bottom of the screen said April, rather than March.  My doctor started to explain that our baby had stopped growing the week after we first saw the heartbeat, approximately 8 weeks and a few days.  That happens to be the same week I contracted the swine flu and he doesn't think it's just a coincidence.  High fever + pregnancy = very bad.  He told me how sorry he was and explained my options.

I could wait for my hormone levels to drop at which point the miscarriage would occur or I could have a D&C at the hospital within the next few days.  I opted for the D&C because I can't imagine waiting for the cramping and bleeding to start, not knowing when it was all going to happen.  It would be like a ticking time bomb and I can't go through that.  I'll go in for the procedure on Friday.

When I shared my pregnancy on this blog, the thought that I might one day have to also share it's loss was always in the back of my head, but it was a risk I took.  After I had a little time to comprehend what happened today, one of the first things I thought of was how awful it was going to be to have to tell everyone; our parents, our family and friends and yes, the readers of this blog.  Though it may seem to be to the contrary, I am a private person and the loss of a pregnancy is one of the most private matters I can think of.  I wasn't sure I was ever going to document this here.  But then I read this post and it made me realize that there are other people out there like us who are hurting and are devastated and it helps to know that others have been in your shoes and have walked to the other side okay. 

My biggest fear is that people will feel sorry for us or people will pity us and I don't want that at all.  Pity just makes me feel worse, makes me feel shame, if that makes any sense.  Yes, we have just experienced a heartbreaking loss, but please treat us as you normally would.  Our baby was very here, very real and very loved and we have lost him or her.  We are grieving, and are sure to be for quite some time, but we are going to be okay. 

A List (Because I'm Lazy)

1.  I received word on Friday that I passed my background investigation (which I started back in April, unbelievably) and was finally extended my official job offer.  I am beyond relieved, excited and READY to get started in my new position.  Coincidentally, my start date falls on my birthday.  I'm taking that as a very good sign. 

The only things left to stress out about are a) telling my current supervisor that I'm leaving (is it just me or is that conversation one of the most awkward known to man?) and b) telling my new supervisor that I got knocked up while waiting for my background clearance (probably the most awkward conversation known to man, err, woman).

2.  This might come as a shock to most of you, but I don't miss alcohol (yet).  I think a lot of that has to do with even poor, innocuous water having a taste the past months (dude, it did; ask any pregnant woman!), but so far not being able to drink has been met with a "Meh" attitude by me. 

Remind me I said this in about a month when all of the wine festivals are in town or in two months when we visit the original Margaritaville in Key West or during the holidays when my dad makes his famous glühwein.  I think having a precious baby in March will still be enough to make me say "Meh", though it may be a smidge less resounding.

3.  Public Service Announcement:  RSVP, RSVP, RSVP.  Why?  It's the polite thing to do and makes planning a party a whole lot easier.  And when the hostess contacts you to find out if you're a yes or no, for the love of God and Miss Manners, call or text her back.

For what it's worth, bridal shower invitees = good RSVPers.  Graduation party invitees = bad RSVPers.  Think it has anything to do with gender?

4.  I had the most disturbing dream last night and I'm blaming it on the Charles Manson special I watched on the History Channel yesterday after work.  Basically, I was being held by some woman whom I knew was going to kill me.  I showed her ultrasound photos of our baby in an effort to garner sympathy and mercy but it didn't work.  She had me face a wall so that she could shoot me from behind.  I waited and waited while she loaded her gun.  When she finally did shoot, I didn't really feel pain but more like I was drowning in my own blood.  I realized I was still alive, but could feel the life seeping out me.  Lola was suddenly there and I picked her up and held her to me.  I guess I must have died because then I woke up.  I've heard that you have some really messed up dreams when you're pregnant, but this one was just crazy.  

5.  Jon and I will celebrate our third wedding anniversary on September 1st.  Since we can't afford a Caribbean anniversarymoon this year, we're extending our trip to Florida for my cousin's wedding into an anniversarymoon.  Jon found us a great deal on flights many months ago and we're using our timeshare to do a few days in Key West and a few days in Orlando (yay, Epcot Food & Wine Festival!) before heading down to Naples for the wedding.  I am so excited!  I've always wanted to do a road trip with Jon and this will essentially be a road trip since we'll be driving between all of the destinations.  This will be our last trip before baby so it will be extra special.  Plus, it's kind of nice to be home for our actual anniversary because that allowed me to order a mini replica of our wedding cake to enjoy!  Mmmm...raspberry comfiture laced throughout amaretto cake with buttercream frosting, here I come!

Fabulous Find Friday - Back to School Edition

If I had the patience (and the financial situation to accept such a undeservedly-low salary), I would be a teacher in a heartbeat.  Not for the kids, nor for the summer vacation, but for the school supplies.  I love them.  If you've ever read my About Me page, you may remember that I list the smell of freshly-sharpened pencils as one of my favorite things and that's absolutely the truth.  Mmmm...

August and September always make me wistful for my school days gone by and I kind of can't wait until our kid is at the age where we can carry on the annual back-to-school shopping.  Here are some things on my hypothetical back-to-school list, all from wonderfully unique Etsy!

Reusable Sandwich and Snack Bags by greenstreetbags at $18 for three bags

 

I'm such a peanut butter & jelly girl and I try to pack my lunch for work every day.  Not only are these bags beautiful, but they're environmentally friendly too!

Also, while I'm on the subject of reusable bags, how cute are these Halloween party favor bags from the same seller?  You all know how I love Halloween!

 

Keep Calm and Carry On Necklace by storytales at $16

 

Yes, we've all seen the posters and wall hangings of this charming British WWII slogan, but this is the first time I've seen it on a pendant.  I think this would make the perfect teacher's gift or even the ideal reminder for the worrier in your life.

Une, Deux, Trois Organic Cotton Pencil Case by rohmer at $17

 

Pencil cases were always my favorite thing to buy, because, duh, they held my favorite thing: pencils!  I can barely resist this adorable French inspired one.

Crocheted Ladybug Apple Cozy by LilyKnitting at $9.99

 

This is probably the most impractical thing I've ever featured on my blog, but I don't care because it almost killed me with it's cuteness.  Another adorable gift for teacher, but make sure you get one for yourself too!

Bump Day - Week 10

Note: I want to start doing a weekly pregnancy update and I figured every Wednesday, Hump Day, will now be known as Bump Day!   This will be a great way for me to remember my pregnancy and share the journey with all of you.

How Far Along:  10 weeks and 5 days

Weekly Fruit Comparison:  A prune (ick!)

The Good:  The queasiness is gone!  I feel pretty much back to normal again and oh, how glorious it is!

The Bad:  My poor face is like an oil field.  That pregnancy glow you hear so much about?  That's actually increased oil production.  Gah!  These Rice Paper blotters have become my new best friend.  Also, I used to always be cold but now I'm hot, hot, hot all the time.  Please, August, go away and give me some relief!

The Weird:  I've been having heart palpitations sometimes, usually in the evenings.  Apparently this is just another strange pregnancy symptom, due to increased blood flow.  Still, I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it happened!

Best Pregnancy Brain Moment:  I drove all the way to work (50 miles away) on Monday and then realized I left my purse at home.  Whoops!

Currently Craving/Avoiding:  Last week, all I could fathom eating were SpaghettiOs and Chef Boyardee Ravioli. This week I've been wanting chocolate pudding and Special K crackers and lo mein noodles.  Any meat (except for bacon) is still kind of revolting to me.  I should note here that in my first few weeks of pregnancy (and before I even knew I was pregnant), all I wanted to eat were crispy chicken sandwiches from McDonald's.  So weird!

The Weekly Belly Bump:  Definitely noticeable to me and Jon because we're looking for it, but no one else would be able to tell underneath a layer of clothing.  Well, other than a guy in the mail room at work who asked me how the baby is doing yesterday.  I said, "Huh?" and he pointed to my belly and said, "The baby!"  I've only told a few close friends at work so I wasn't quite sure how to respond.  I just smiled and said, "Fine, thanks!" and quickly walked away.  It was definitely the dress...once of those shapeless shift dresses with lots of flowy fabric.  Still, what a brave man to make that assumption!

Now that I'm looking at these two photos side by side, I can definitely see the difference in my shape!

Week 3
(The night I found out and was beyond bloated)

 

Week 10
(A lot of bloat still, but definitely a little bump!)

A Spider Wedding

I had a very good excuse for missing BlogHer this year...it happened to fall on the same weekend as one of my best college friend's wedding!  Of course I wouldn't have missed it for the world because it's not every day that one of your best girls gets married.  Sherry and I were cross country/track teammates at the University of Richmond (Go Spiders!), neighbors our freshman year and apartment-mates our senior year.  Naturally, we spent a lot of time together and even more so because we specialized in the same event in track (3000 meter steeplechase).  She's one of those friends that you just know you'll have for the rest of your life.

The best thing about Sherry's wedding is that she married our fellow teammate, Matt.  It's been so awesome to know them from their first months of flirting in our junior year to now as husband and wife.  What an incredible journey!  They had absolutely perfect weather for their garden ceremony (albeit HOT!) and such a fun-filled reception.  I gorged myself on all of the amazing desserts they had (mini ice cream cones, a fondue station and delicious wedding cake) and was so happy to spend some time with them and my other Spider teammates. 

Here are a few pictures from the wedding...

The beautiful garden where they said their vows

Richmond teammates minus the bride and groom

 I had to take a picture with this sign on the bar..."A pregnant woman never drinks alone!"

 We've been doing this pose ever since we all dressed up as Mary Katherine Gallagher our freshman year.  Supastah!

Me and my handsome husband (who claims to be drinking for three!)

The gang's all together!

 Beautiful bride and groom cutting the cake

 It's kind of funny because I have always said that I would be pregnant by the time the rest of my girls got married...I guess it turned out to be true!  Girls, it's time for the rest of you to get on board because I love Spider weddings!  For the rest of the photos, see my Flickr link to the left.

Fabulous Find Friday - Is It Fall Yet? Edition

I don't know about you all, but I am so over summer.  I don't know if it's the pregnancy or what, but I am SO. TIRED. of the heat and humidity.  I always thought I would want a summer baby for the loveliness that is a fun, outdoor birthday party, but lord, thank you for giving me a due date in March (even though it has always been my least favorite month!).  I'm more than ready for the chill in the air that signals the return of crisp autumn weather and the following fashions have made me even more impatient for September 22nd to just get here already!

The Dexter Charlotte Flat from Payless for $24.99

  It's cute, looks comfy and best of all, affordable!  Plus, it's a great transition shoe to take you from your summer to fall wardrobe.

The Cropped-Sleeve Cable Knit Cardigan from Gap for $69.50

 

I've already told Jonathan that I plan to wear a lot of cardigans throughout my pregnancy because they're something I can wear buttoned vs. unbuttoned, bump vs. no bump.  Cardigans are forgiving and can transcend seasons and body changes.

The Plaid Pintuck Tunic from American Eagle Outfitters for $39.50

 

Over leggings or over your skinny jeans, with boots or flats, the tunic is going to be a versatile piece this fall.  Jon would divorce me if I wore lumberjack plaid, but I'm definitely buying at least one plaid piece this year.

The Ruffle Trim Knit Dress from Forever 21 for $24.80

 

I love wrap dresses and the ruffles on this completely sold me.  I adore my feminine details!