I think one of the harder things about losing a pregnancy is that all of your planning and preparations for the baby's arrival immediately comes to a screeching halt. It's all on hold until someday when it happens again for you. The few pieces of teeny, tiny clothing that were purchased are folded into boxes, rather than dressers. The registration form for your impeding hospital stay is thrown in the trash rather than mailed in and filed away. The stacks of baby name books that you had already accumulated are put back on the shelf rather than on your nightstand for a nightly perusing.
These things are all constant reminders of all that you lost and all that will never be. It was helpful for me to pack most of these things away until we need them again, but there's a part of me that wants to keep preparing for the baby we know we'll have someday. We still have the "Baby Fund" in our budget, but I want something tangible, something I can see and touch.
I want to gather things and stockpile them like a squirrel does with nuts before the winter. I want to have a few little treasures to share with my child and someday say, "I bought this for you before you were created, before you grew in my belly, because I already loved you so much and couldn't wait to give you everything."
I think I found the perfect solution to my sentimental (and practical) desire to gather: children's books. Books have always been an important and beloved part of my life and it's something I definitely want to pass on. I bought the first book for our someday baby this weekend. This book (by Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary) is set to the lyrics of one of my favorite childhood songs, Puff, the Magic Dragon, and has gorgeous illustrations and an accompanying CD sung by Peter and his daughter. Although the ending still makes me cry (I am such a sap), I can't wait to read it to our child someday.
(via Amazon)
