I had my follow-up appointment this morning to check in with my doctor after my first round of Clomid. I didn't get pregnant this round and as I told her, according to those expensive little ovulation predictor tests, I didn't even ovulate. My cycle is over two weeks late (of course it is!) so it's back to another round of Provera and Clomid for this girl, this time with an increased dosage of Clomid. Seems that actually trying to get pregnant is a lot harder than that whole not not trying to get pregnant went for us. (Though that did only happen after eight months of no birth control).
I do believe that things happen for a reason and I do believe in God's greater plan and for the most part? That has brought me a great deal of comfort. What is hard for me is another month passing by and not being pregnant. November 21st will mark three months of not being pregnant anymore (and not having a baby to show for it) and though I try not to dwell on what has been lost, it's kind of difficult not to.
As chance would have it, my inner circle of family, friends and colleagues is filled with enough pregnant women to overflow a maternity ward. Rather than my happiness for them being diminished by my own loss, I think it actually enhances it because I've experienced such a miracle and know how truly amazing it is to grow a life inside you. At the risk of sounding insincere, it really is a wonder to witness it in the people I love most.
I was really hoping for that first round of Clomid to work because I had my heart set on sharing a special "what we're thankful for" with our families around the Thanksgiving table. That's okay, though. Even though it didn't work out for us last month, we have plenty of other things to be thankful for. Namely, our beautiful new home.
Like I mentioned earlier, I do believe that things happen for a reason and maybe this is just God's way of giving us a Christmas miracle. I sure do hope so.
